I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
