I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
