I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
