Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
