i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
