so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
