Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Randomize
