This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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