Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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