pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
