I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
