I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
