I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
