Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
