I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
where are you?
Hypothermia
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
