his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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