Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
