you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
