there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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