You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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