he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
