mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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