Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
