oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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