Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
