I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
