I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
