Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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