so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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