I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
