I wish my penis had an off switch
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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