The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
