How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize