I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize