New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Damn victory sex feels great
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
