guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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