im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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