We're facebook friends in real life
Moan for me like Helen Keller
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
