I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm really into asian looking animals
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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