i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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