my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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