I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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