I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
