the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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