my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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