fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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