dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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