god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
