I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
