I wish my penis had an off switch
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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