APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
