Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
