Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
