She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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