She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
