Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
