I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
