Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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