I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize