I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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