I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize