You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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