remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
