made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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