Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i think i have two assholes
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
