There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
